Hey, parents with kids who began the new school year sitting in front of a computer as opposed to behind a classroom desk, listen up! I am here to help you with a home school curriculum you thought you would never have to create.
I know, I know, when our nation’s education system shut down in mid-March, forcing your children to complete their assignments from home, you thought it would be temporary. Maybe you even thought it would be, dare I say, FUN, to home school your children or, at the very least, create lessons that would enhance the instructions they were getting from their teachers via Zoom.
If they couldn’t comprehend fractions, you were by their side to explain the concept, using tools that couldn’t be found in a classroom:
“Chloe, go to the refrigerator and get one of those organically grown apples from Whole Foods and Mommy’s Pampered Chef apple slicer. Now, if Mommy cuts the apple into eight pieces and you eat two of them as part of your well-balanced afternoon snack, how many slices are left?”
“Six, Mommy!”
“Correct. So that’s six-eighths, also known as three-fourths. And that’s fractions! Ready to read ‘War and Peace’ before bedtime?”
“Mommy, you’re a way better teacher than Miss Dunbar!”
Now, fast-forward six months. The laptop in that home school pod you eagerly set up last spring continues to hog the bandwidth you need to function at your now work-from-home job. Of course, that’s assuming you haven’t lost your job and need the bandwidth to look for another one. Meanwhile, the well has run dry when it comes to creative lesson plans. And yet, it’s 8:30 a.m. on a Monday and your children are wondering what you’ll be teaching them today. My advice is to develop lessons mired in reality.
For example:
Fractions. Create innovative story problems. “Let’s suppose Mommy’s Chardonnay bottle is two-thirds empty. If mommy’s gas tank is one-eighth full and the liquor store is 2 1/2 miles away and closes in three-quarters of an hour, will mommy make it in time?”
Persuasive Writing. “In at least 1,500 words, explain why you think all children should be in school for at least eight hours a day. All essays must begin with the phrase, ‘Dear Dr. Fauci.’”
Economics/Gym. Combining these subjects has never been easier. Begin by explaining that economics is the production, consumption and transfer of wealth. Continue by discussing how world events can alter the economic landscape, transferring even more wealth to certain companies and individuals. Now place a cardboard cutout of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos in the backyard. Send your children outside for 20 minutes and instruct them to throw baseballs at his head.
U.S. Geography. Take a map of the United States and have your children pick a state where they would like to live. Chances are it will be Florida (home of Disney World) or California (home of Disneyland). Produce statistics showing the rising number of coronavirus cases in both states. Spend the rest of the lesson having them watch a PowerPoint presentation titled, “Wouldn’t it be fun to move to Wyoming?”
Health. If you haven’t already had “the talk” with your kids, now would be a perfect time. After explaining how babies are created, introduce them to the concept of birth control and tell them it should strongly be considered if the country ever experiences another pandemic.
Art. Buy some plain masks at the Dollar Store and let your kids decorate them.
Music. Set aside one hour every day for your children to work on their America’s Got Talent auditions. Remind them that, if they win the million-dollar grand prize, mommy and daddy can hire a tutor who REALLY understands the home-schooling concept.
Extra Credit. Have them sit quietly in their school pod while mommy finishes watching season three of Ozark on Netflix.
